Monday Aug 01 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?

It’s what they call a “two-step” deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.

President Obama changed his slogan from “Yes we can,” to “Yes we cave.”

The unemployment rate in Mexico is so low that illegal immigrants are sneaking back into Mexico. Obama has solved the illegal immigration problem.


The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another “Smurfs” movie before 2014.

President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.

Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That’s how bad things are in this country — even Oprah has run out of money.

Late Show with David Letterman

You can no longer eat plants and berries from Central Park. I know what you’re thinking: “Now where do we go for dinner?”

Alex Trebek injured his Achilles tendon chasing an intruder. He was running down the hall screaming, “What is ‘stop!’”

When I heard that it was a woman that broke into Trebek’s hotel room, I said, “Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

“Shark Week” is under way this week. Next week is, “Good Luck Getting Your Kids Back Into the Tub Week.”

Despite many years of research, marine biologists know surprisingly little about sharks. Mostly because they keep getting eaten when they try to find out.

If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After many rounds of negotiation and compromise on both sides, a deal was finally reached. That’s right, my wife would go see “Cowboys & Aliens” while I would go see “The Smurfs.”

That’s right, we finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this — Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.” Or as Americans put it, “Sugar-coated? Yum — I’ll take six, please!”

McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, “Cool! I made this.”

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