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Wednesday Jul 27 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

They say “Captain America” is successful because it takes place in a time when America could fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. A whole different thing from today.

The Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Maybe they should be running the country.

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is “corrupt.” The other 64 percent think Congress is “extremely corrupt.”

President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Conan

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.

George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It’s excepted to be the highest-rated episode ever of “Cake Boss.”

Congressman David Wu has resigned after being accused of unwanted sexual advances. Or as it was called in my high school, “the Conan.”

Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar. Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy.

Late Show with David Letterman

We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the “feels like” is $20 trillion.

We’re under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it’s due to Michele Bachmann’s hair spray.

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I’m toying with the idea of drinking again.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts of a Guy Stuck in a Manhole

10
“I’m suing the city for not idiot-proofing these things”
9
“Hey, Chilean Miners!”
8
“A rat just took my Discover card”
7
“Save me, Captain America!”
6
“This is how Orson Welles died”
5
“I think I found Ayman al-Zawahiri”
4
“What? No WiFi? What is this, Russia?”
3
“At least no one can see me”
2
“Where did my life go wrong?”
1
“First I get fired from ‘Two and a Half Men,’ and now this?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

More American kids play soccer than any other sport combined. That is not true, but wouldn’t it be interesting?

In England, they call soccer fans that are crazy, drunk, and unemployed “soccer hooligans.” In America, they give them a reality show on MTV.

Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch.

Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I like dressing like a cowboy. It almost makes me forget that I watch “The Bachelorette” every weekend.

John Boehner told Republicans to “get in line.” He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.

They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.

Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn’t reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a “plan B.” Unfortunately, the B stands for “bake sale.”

Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn’t seem like a lot to you.

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, “One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.”

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.

 
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