Tuesday Jul 26 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The NFL has reached a compromise. The players will make more money, the owners will make more money, and the fans will pay through the nose.

Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: “President Joe Biden.”

We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.


The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood.

In his speech, President Obama said that “compromise” has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.

The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.

McDonald’s has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald’s added cheese and beef to their apple slices.

Late Show with David Letterman

The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.

On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America.

Jeb Bush might run for president. To me, Bush presidencies are like “Caddyshack” movies. They should have stopped at one.

Mick Jagger is 68 years old. He’s still out there touring, although now it’s more like “wandering off.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over The Republicans

Show up to next meeting in a Captain America uniform
Burn everyone a really cool mix CD
Bribe them with free tickets to a “Larry the Cable Guy” show
Raise the debt ceiling, but do it with a fun sound effect
Do something about the heat
Swap places with another guy named Barack Obama — hey, don't miss the new reality show "Same Name" Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on CBS!
Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
Like I'm the right guy to ask for advice on winning people over
Don't be such a poor sport when they call him a socialist, foreign-born, radical Muslim who's trying to destroy America
Kill bin Laden again
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I believe I have caveman roots. Sometimes I leave the house without putting on any moisturizer.

The three great advancements of mankind were harnessing fire, inventing the wheel, and the Slap Chop.

Neanderthals existed about 30,000 years ago and then were replaced by . . . I don’t know, Ashton Kutcher?

Neanderthals and men existed together for a time, which scientists refer to as “pre-Flintstones.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, al-Qaida is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.

If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing.

President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.

“Debt ceiling,” to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it’s very important.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The American Airlines terminal at JFK was evacuated yesterday because of a suspicious bag. Although with American Airlines, any bag that ends up in the right place qualifies as “suspicious.”

On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of “hiding in the basement” during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of “locking him in the basement” during debt ceiling talks.

A man in Iowa was arrested at his own wedding after he hit another guy who was dancing with his new wife. Yeah, the worst part is, it completely ruined the father-daughter first dance.

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