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Monday Jul 25 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We have fantastic news. The two sides have come to an agreement. The crisis is over. We are going to have football.

It was pretty tense between the players and owners for a while there. It was a classic battle between the haves and the really haves.

A forklift apparently dropped more than a million dollars worth of wine that was about to arrive in the United States. Kathie lee and Hoda are inconsolable.

Conan

President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won’t even let Obama raise his age.

Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America’s credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card.

According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don’t know.

Late Show with David Letterman

A really drunk out-of-work actor broke into the Ed Sullivan theater. It was Charlie Sheen.

My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.

The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya.

I heard that if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn’t the auto club mind their own business?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A lot of people don’t understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it’s the ceiling for our debt.

In “Hamlet,” Shakespeare wrote, “Neither borrower nor a lender be.” Now where better to find financial advice than a play about a bipolar, suicidal man in tights?

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, “Where’s my money?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Heat records were set in New Jersey over the weekend. Poor Snooki melted.

This debate about the debt ceiling started as a budget negotiation and now it’s devolved into Jon and Kate Gosselin fighting over who gets the toaster oven.

The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The company that makes the BlackBerry is laying off 11 percent of its workforce. You can tell it's bad, because the CEO's announcement ended with the line “Sent from my iPhone.”

A man from Chicago won the national Air Guitar Championship this weekend. It marked the first contest ever where someone was declared both the winner and a loser.

Sarah Palin’s documentary, “The Undefeated,” will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles.

 
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