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Thursday Jul 21 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.

It’s so hot, Casey Anthony thought she was already in hell.

President Obama’s motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, “My grandkids will pay for it.”

People are sneaking into Mexico from Guatemala using zip lines. That’s when you know you have a border problem — when people are sneaking into your country just because it’s fun.

Conan

Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, “We are home. We have no jobs.”

NASA says that without the space shuttle, we’ll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it’s an extra $15 million.

There’s a new social network just for senior citizens. Actually, we’re just sending them to MySpace and telling them it’s new.

Late Show with David Letterman

Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage — and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife is dating again. Where does a gorgeous woman with $500 million find a man?

It’s the 42nd anniversary of the moon landing. One day we’ll be celebrating the anniversary of Kim Kardashian X-raying her butt.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Too Hot

10
You were just named People Magazine's "Sweatiest Man Alive"
9
For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants
8
You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen
7
You were caught texting photos of your heat rash
6
Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen
5
Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"
4
Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids
3
Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)
2
Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon
1
You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat — a seat that will soon be repossessed.

British Airways gave the royal couple a $300 voucher because they weren’t able to watch movies on their flight home. Thank goodness that wrong has been righted.

Three hundred bucks is a lot of money. It’s more than Anthony Weiner’s texting bill.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell.

Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.

A new study found that the show “Jersey Shore” hasn’t changed people’s views of New Jersey at all, which doesn’t say much about their views of New Jersey before the show aired.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Weather experts say that 1 million square miles of the U.S. are under a “heat dome.” But don’t worry — we have plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.

House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.

A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.

 
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