It was so hot in Hollywood that Gary Busey became delusional and actually started making sense.
At his hearing, Rupert Murdoch said he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. Apparently he watches Fox News too.
President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion.
A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, “Hire that kid on the spot.”
Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy.
Charlie Sheen has a brand new TV show. Wait until he finds out.
Some people worry about Charlie, but he’ll be fine. For each new episode, he’ll be getting 1.6 kilos.
It was so hot today that Jennifer Lopez was fanning herself with her divorce papers.
President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.
I don’t remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by “school work,” I mean I was drunk.
The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by “track their experiments,” they mean “play Angry Birds.”
It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.
The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.”
It’s been sunny and cool in Southern California, just in case you needed another reason to hate us.
The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.
The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, “Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?”
It’s rumored that Jennifer Lopez will make $1 million for performing at a wedding this week. Or as Marc Anthony calls it, “half a million dollars.”
A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls.
A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a “vicious battle” before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.”