Wednesday Jul 20 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was so hot in Hollywood that Gary Busey became delusional and actually started making sense.

At his hearing, Rupert Murdoch said he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. Apparently he watches Fox News too.

President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion.

A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, “Hire that kid on the spot.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy.

Charlie Sheen has a brand new TV show. Wait until he finds out.

Some people worry about Charlie, but he’ll be fine. For each new episode, he’ll be getting 1.6 kilos.

It was so hot today that Jennifer Lopez was fanning herself with her divorce papers.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot "Green Acres"
Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin
They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys
The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles
Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger
Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna
Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas
Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks
President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching "Ironside"
Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.

I don’t remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by “school work,” I mean I was drunk.

The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by “track their experiments,” they mean “play Angry Birds.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.”

It’s been sunny and cool in Southern California, just in case you needed another reason to hate us.

The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, “Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?”

It’s rumored that Jennifer Lopez will make $1 million for performing at a wedding this week. Or as Marc Anthony calls it, “half a million dollars.”

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls.

A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a “vicious battle” before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.”

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