Tuesday Jul 19 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry says God is calling on him to run for president, and Michele Bachmann says God is calling on her to run for president. If God is so indecisive, he’s probably for Mitt Romney.

There’s talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought.


While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News.

Due to the heat wave, health experts in the Midwest are telling people to “go easy on their workouts.” People in the Midwest responded, “What workouts?"

A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as “historic” by women’s’ groups, and as “10 years too late” by Maria Shriver.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s very hot outside, but at least all of that snow from January is finally beginning to melt.

The new “Harry Potter” movie made almost half a billion dollars. Maybe now, Harry can afford laser eye surgery.

Our theater has been broken into twice, and we thought we were having a third break-in, but it was just a guy that wants his money back.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack

"Hey, free pie!"
"This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"
"How did he get past the pie detector?"
"A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"
"Duh, winning?"
"I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"
"Mmmm tasty"
"You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"
"Don't pie me, bro!"
"It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rupert Murdoch couldn’t have had anything to do with the cellphone hacking. Old people don’t even know how to use cell phones.

The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others.

Is it any surprise that the British police couldn’t stop the high-tech phone hackers? They couldn’t even stop a guy walking into parliament with a pie.

I think it’s cowardly to attack an 80-year-old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he’d go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Why do they give heat warnings? I think I’m pretty good at figuring out that it’s hot on my own.

I think we should switch to Celsius. In Europe, it rarely goes over 40 degrees.

Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That’s mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck.

Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by “closing our borders.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

China’s mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn’t owe them anything — except like $14 trillion.

Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy’s voicemail.

Philadelphia has a new plan to ticket pedestrians who text without looking up while they walk. As opposed to the previous punishment: lamp posts.

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