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Wednesday Jul 13 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million.

We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2?

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that ever works.

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs.

It’s so hot that even Michele Bachmann believes in global warming.

They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers.

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money

10
For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar
9
The White House now has a two-drink minimum
8
There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota
7
Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to "Cash4Gold"
6
Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico
5
Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists
4
Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One
3
John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards
2
Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet
1
Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson.

For most of the 1800s, roller coasters were called “Russian mountains,” which is also the name I used to dance under.

When I’m on a roller coaster, I love the way the wind whips through my hair, which is why I never wear pants.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.”

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.”

I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it’s Bush’s card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion.

 
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