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Tuesday Jul 12 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.

The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.

The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.

Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

Don’t you love the Homerun Derby? What’s more exciting than a homerun that doesn’t count?

Michele Bachmann says that if she’s elected, she’ll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let’s ban pornography.

Bachmann says she wants to end things that are “vulgar and a detriment to society.” She’s talking about me, right?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad All-Star Game

10
It's being telecast on C-SPAN3
9
Biggest name is esteemed umpire Bruce Dreckman
8
During the 7th inning stretch, the players are locked out
7
It's the National League vs. the American Broadcasting Company
6
Each team required to start at least three Kardashians
5
Every player who fields a ball yells, "Yeow!"
4
No matter how much alcohol you consume, it doesn't get any better
3
By the third inning, 95 percent of the players have been deported (it's Arizona, people)
2
It's a brisk seven hours
1
Due to the extreme heat, Bud Selig is nude
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Everyone in America is worried about the same thing: The dancers of the Joffrey Ballet are being locked out.

The Joffrey Ballet is in Chicago. It must be tough for a ballet in a city known for its deep-dish pizza.

The dancers are locked out. This could lead to a strike — and the most graceful picket line ever.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: “North Mexico.”

While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, “It takes two to tango.” Then Biden was like, “Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.”

A new study found that 50 percent of all college students get blackout drunk at least once a year. Yeah, the other 50 percent couldn’t answer, mainly because they were blackout drunk.

 
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