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Thursday Jun 30 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rerun

Conan

California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children?

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, “spring break.”

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.

Late Show with David Letterman

A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while.

Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he’s pardoned by Oprah.

We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese.

Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. That would be a great endorsement.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American

10
The complimentary TSA groping
9
Other countries don't have one Dakota — we have two
8
Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth
7
Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O'Bachmann)
6
All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya
5
The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world
4
We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk
3
Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?
2
Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt
1
What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Glenn Beck gave his last show. After Oprah and Beck, the only emotional woman on TV is me.

Supposedly, they let Beck go because he alienated the sponsors. I would never do that. In fact, I hang out on the weekend with the ShamWow guy.

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

The royal couple will be visiting eight major cities during their nine days in Canada. That’s amazing to me. Canada has eight major cities?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All of the good fireworks are illegal in California. Michael Bay can blow up the whole city but I can’t find a single bottle rocket.

The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families.

I didn’t pay much attention to history when I was in school. I try to put it all in the past.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rerun

 
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