Monday Oct 05 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s been reported that the group President Obama is most popular with is the Jewish community. The group he’s least popular with? The International Olympic Committee.

The Olympic Committee voted against Chicago as the place for the 2016 Olympics. I guess the committee thought Chicago already has enough amateur athletes with the White Sox and the Cubs.

You know what our mistake was? We shouldn’t have sent Obama to get the Olympic Committee’s votes. We should have sent ACORN. It would have been a landslide.

The saddest part about Chicago not getting the Olympics? Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 front row seats for a hundred grand apiece for the opening ceremonies.


Over the weekend, President Obama celebrated his 17th wedding anniversary. The President celebrated by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner with just his wife and Oprah.

Forbes magazine is reporting that Oprah Winfrey lost $400 million last year. Oprah is claiming she didn’t “lose” the $400 million, she just forgot which jacket pocket it’s in.

A new study ranks the best places in the world to live, and Afghanistan came in second to last. When they heard this, people in Afghanistan said, “Thank God for Newark.”

The latest rumor is that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is actually Jewish. When they heard this, millions of Jewish women immediately asked, "Is he single?”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s fall here in New York City. I spent the whole weekend raking my hate mail.

It’s chilly outside my house . . . and chilly inside my house.

Here’s news: There’s now proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quie

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Adopting a Monkey

"Do I need another monkey?"
"Is there a leasing option?"
"Have I properly monkey-proofed my home?"
"Should I adopt something more traditional like a raccoon?"
"Is there still a chance we could have a monkey naturally?"
"Do they sell 'My Monkey Is An Honor Student' bumper stickers?
"Will I get hit with a heavy monkey tax?"
"Should I teach it to sneeze like that hilarious monkey on Letterman?"
"Can I raise him Jewish?"
"Will everything smell like Amy Winehouse?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Three Americans were awarded the Nobel Prize for medicine today. Brazil got the Olympics; we get the Nobel Prize.

I still can’t get over that Chicago lost the bid for the Olympics. Are the Olympics all about looking good in a bikini made of dental floss?

Also today, swine flu vaccinations start. Doctors receive it first; they’re the only ones who can afford to go see the doctor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was reported that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is actually part Jewish and that his family changed their name. It’s true. His real name is Mark . . . Mark “Ahmadin-i-stein.”

People in Paris are furious that McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum. Their new slogan is "Ba Da Da Da-Da — I'm Louvring it!"

Yesterday in Minnesota, a 70-year-old man completed his 163rd marathon. That’s amazing. His family celebrated by taking him out to a five-star emergency room.

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