A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich.
President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, “We can’t stay there indefinitely.” You think our troops in Korea are going, “HELLO, we’ve been here for 60 years.”
Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.
According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke.
The FBI has arrested the criminal who was the inspiration for the movie “The Departed.” The FBI is now looking for whoever’s responsible for the last five Katherine Heigl movies. They have shoot-to-kill orders.
Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin’s new book and she found it “shocking.” When asked what was shocking, Palin said “the fact I read a book.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said if his country wants to make a nuclear bomb, they will. Then he said he’s getting his ears pierced, and there’s nothing you can do about it, Dad! Nothing!
The Supreme Court has ruled that the makers of generic drugs cannot be sued for inadequate labeling on their products. In fact now all they have to say is “This will do something to your cholesterol level and/or penis.” I’m like, either way, YEAH!
A postcard originally mailed in 1912 was finally delivered last week. On the back it was signed “Can’t wait to get on the Titanic!” No, that wasn’t it, it was actually signed, “Best Wishes, thanks for watching. Regis.”
There’s a light bulb in Livermore, Calif., at a fire station that’s been burning constantly day and night, for 110 years. Isn’t that crazy? First turned on in 1901 — coincidentally I think that’s when Barbara Walters was first turned on.
Top Ten Signs Your Summer is Already Off to a Bad Start
You've ingested more sun block that you've applied.
Your dog ate the only party balloon.
Only "A" on your kid's report card was the one in "A Moron."
Monday: 10 fingers; Tuesday: Repaired weed-whacker; Wednesday: 8 fingers.
Eyebrows still haven't grown back from Memorial Day barbecue incident.
You normally spend summer traveling with your best friends Jack Kevorkian and Osama bin Laden.
You've managed to swallow a volleyball.
Anthony Weiner won't stop sexting you creepy vacation photos.
The worst thing to me about summer is all the reruns on TV. Like today I was watching and they had this old episode where Lindsay Lohan goes to court for probation violations. I think the show was called "The News." I’ve seen that one like 10 times now. I’m tired of it.
In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch.
Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers had some big news today. Ron actually filed papers to have his name legally changed to Metta World Peace. I hope he gets in another fight in the stands — Because wouldn’t it be great to see a guy get punched in the face by World Peace?
President Obama was in New York today. There was one embarrassing moment, when he saw the Naked Cowboy and was like, "Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman."
Because of the president’s visit, there was major gridlock traffic. It was really bad — instead of showing clips from NBC, the TV in my cab played the entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume "when the time comes." So there you go, everyone — it’s not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again.
Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol’s new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect." Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2.”