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Monday Jun 20 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.

Conan

A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there’s an 80/50 chance she’ll run for president.

NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with “Hail Satan.”

Bookstore company Borders announced that it expects to find a buyer by the end of July. Not a buyer for the company, but just anyone willing to pay them for a book.

The new manager of the Florida Marlins is 80 years old. This makes him the oldest man working in baseball and the youngest man working in Florida.

Late Show with David Letterman

Regis Philbin won a daytime Emmy for being the best television host ever. That should take the sting out of ABC trying to push him out.

The reason the daytime Emmys are so popular now is because so many people are out of work, at home watching TV.

The prize money for the U.S. Open had to be borrowed from the Chinese Open.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Al-Qaida Is Running Out of Money

10
Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9
Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8
Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7
New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6
Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5
No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4
Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3
Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2
Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1
Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Father’s Day is a day on which fathers across country are reminded through crappy gifts of how much more their children love mommy.

It’s the last day of spring ever. Because of global warming, spring has been eliminated.

President Obama and Speaker Boehner played golf last weekend. Obama avoided an out-of-bounds penalty tee when an errant tee shot bounced off of Oprah, who was hiding in the woods.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we’ll pay off that deficit in no time.

The Florida Marlins just named 80-year-old Jack McKeon their new manager. It wasn’t a great start. Tonight, he had to make four trips to the mound and 12 trips to the bathroom.

Krispy Kreme is adding healthier items to its menu, like oatmeal and yogurt. Or, as their customers put it, “Krispy Kreme is selling some new dipping sauces for the donuts.”

A new study found that most Americans will have to work into their 70s and 80s to be able to retire. But don’t worry. After that, they’ll have plenty of time to enjoy their golden year.

 
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