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Thursday Jun 16 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The good news is that they already found a replacement for Anthony Weiner. The bad news is that it’s Brett Favre.

President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was “Steel Mongolians.”

Al-Qaida is not what it used to be. You can see they don’t have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.

Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.

Conan

The good news is that Congressman Weiner resigned but the bad news is that he made the announcement shirtless over Skype.

Over 50 percent of viewers thought that Mitt Romney won the first Republican debate. Romney credits his win to his preparation, his grasp of the issues, and the good people at Mattel that built him.

According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it’s due to a sweeping new trend called “unemployment.”

In Greece, 20,000 angry protestors filled the streets and threw yogurt at the police. All I can is thank God the police stopped the crazy mob before they got down to the fruit layer.

Late Show with David Letterman

If it’s done right, Mother’s Day is just a rehearsal for Father’s Day.

Do you get dad a tie, slippers, or what? What do you get for a guy that only leaves the house to go to the liquor store?

Father’s Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Great Wall of China is one of the great wonders of the world. Since they put up the wall, not one Mexican has snuck in the country.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Received by the Weber Grill Hotline

10
"Why does barbecuing in the house make me sleepy?"
9
"Can one cook giraffe meat on it?"
8
"Where's the nearest emergency room?"
7
"When is the 4th of July this year?"
6
"Which sun block should I put on my burgers to keep them from burning?"
5
"In an average day, how much charcoal starter should I drink?"
4
"Do you have any good recipes for German Bean Sprouts?"
3
"Is it safe to use my grill while driving?"
2
"Want to see naked pictures I took of myself at the congressional gym?"
1
"What's the best way to remove grill marks from my butt?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Father’s Day has got to be the No. 1 day of the whole year for selling barbecue aprons.

This year, Arnold Schwarzenegger gets an extra gift for Father’s Day.

Al-Qaida announced that they’ve found a replacement for Osama bin Laden, thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I just read that iPad accessories are some of the most popular gifts for Father’s Day this year. Yeah, I got my Dad a leather case, a screen protector, and a new charger. Man, if he ever gets an iPad, he's set.

Osama bin Laden’s former deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has officially taken over as the leader of al-Qaida. I know that, because today he updated his profile on LinkedIn.

A recent study found that today’s fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago.

 
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