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Wednesday Jun 15 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Father’s Day is different in Beverly Hills. Kids have to buy presents for their biological father, their stepfather, and their surrogate father.

Gas prices have come down just in time for summer vacation. That’s how the gas companies get you. Once you’re 300 miles from home, they jack up the prices again.

According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.

It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word “potato,” thus paving the way for Sarah Palin.

Conan

Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco.

A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, “How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.”

A tea party group is running a summer camp for kids. It’s the only camp where the kids sit around a bonfire and hear scary stories about taxing the richest 2 percent.

Late Show with David Letterman

According to a new article, New York is the 5th dirtiest city in the country. When I read the article, it made me so mad that I just threw the magazine down in the street.

A bus company in Michigan is letting passengers ride in the bottom of the bus where they keep the bags. So I called my mom and told her she can afford to travel again.

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.

Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn’t his concern when he was texting pictures of himself.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Good Things About Winning the NBA Championship

10
I don't have to sit here and lie about how winning isn't important (Forward Shawn Marion)
9
The congratulatory sext from Anthony Weiner (Guard J.J. Barea)
8
Helped take the sting out of hearing Hef's wedding was canceled (Guard Roddy Beaubois)
7
It's every kid's dream to lick the Larry O'Brien trophy (Forward Brian Cardinal)
6
U.S. Constitution permits NBA champions to sit in on national security briefings (Coach Rick Carlisle)
5
Celebrating with my kitties (Center Tyson Chandler)
4
Why didn't anybody tell me we won? (Forward Caron Butler)
3
Now I can ask Mark Cuban for a raise (Guard Jason Terry)
2
Man, if you thought I was cocky and obnoxious before — get ready (Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban)
1
It might land me a Kardashian sister (Series MVP, Forward Dirk Nowitzki)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hugh Hefner’s wedding has been called off. I guess he didn’t want to be tied down with one woman for the rest of his weeks.

Kim Kardashian and her fiancé’s wedding registry leaked online. Since they’re millionaires, they’ve asked that instead of gifts, the guests donate to local charities. Just kidding, they want a $1,600 silver-plated coffee pot.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding might single-handedly bring us out of this recession.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson.

A man in Minnesota paid $230,000 for his new dog. But here’s the thing you have to understand: That guy is a moron.

A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2009. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.

 
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