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Tuesday Jun 14 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama said regarding the economy, "The sky is not falling." The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.

According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said “cool.” It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Conan

During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, “Wait, there’s pizza?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.

The housekeeper said the affair wasn’t all Arnold’s fault because “it takes two.” Then Anthony Weiner said, “Actually, it only takes one.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Derek Jeter is only six hits away from 3,000 base hits. What a coincidence — Anthony Weiner is only six nude photos away from 3,000.

The only thing Anthony Weiner is guilty of is being too photogenic.

Happy birthday to Donald Trump. For his birthday party, they’ll play “Pin everything on Obama.”

Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann at the Republican debate that he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany’s.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Changes To The Spider-Man Broadway Show

10
What's to change? It's perfect!
9
Opened extra box office for refunds
8
New sidekick, Concussion Boy
7
Lots of songs about cast members filling out workman's compensation forms
6
Plagiarized word-for-word from the hit Broadway show "Jackie Mason: The Ultimate Jew"
5
Following Tony Awards sweep, renamed the show "Spider-Mormon"
4
Story is now mostly about Spider-Man's wacky next-door neighbor Roy
3
It's just like the Spider-Man movies, minus the stars, special effects, and safety regulations
2
Accidents now accompanied by hilarious "boing" sound effect
1
To help more Americans identify with him, Spider-Man now weighs 350 pounds
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Flag Day is the only holiday that we don’t get drunk to celebrate.

At the first Republican presidential debate, seven candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run.

Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie.

Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven’t seen the birth certificate so we don’t know for sure.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s car isn’t registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now.

Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who was born 65 years ago today! It was sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, “Prove it.”

It’s rumored that Charlie Sheen is developing a new TV sitcom written specifically for him. It’s moving along pretty quickly. In fact, I heard they’ve already picked out the actor that’s going to replace him.

Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores.

 
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