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Thursday Jun 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.

According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?

Alaska Airlines announced it will be giving its pilots iPads so they don’t have to carry so many papers and flight manuals. If you want to help them out, give them coffee, black coffee.

Conan

Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there.

The women who Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it’s a total housekeeper magnet.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from a guy that looks like a jockey to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys.

There’s a word for people that take pictures of their privates and send them out: “stupid.”

If Weiner resigns, they’re already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve lost the will to live since Oprah’s show ended.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs America Is Too Fat

10
There's a 6-week wait for elastic pants
9
All junk mail comes addressed to "fat occupant"
8
Last year's most popular name for baby boys: "El Gordito"
7
New York City 911 operators report increasing number of calls involving broken toilet seats
6
Traffic helicopters report delays in the McDonald's drive-thru
5
Belts now being sold by the yard
4
Schools now closed for Ruby Tuesday's Coconut Shrimp-a-Looza
3
Debut of new game show: "America's Got Type II Diabetes"
2
Most governors are too fat to sleep with their maid
1
You have Kim Kardashian's butt, but you ain't Kim Kardashian
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Donald Duck Day, the day the mighty Disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite Donald. Sorry, Donald Trump.

Donald Duck and Donald Trump are very different. One is a cartoon character that no one can understand — and the other one is Donald Duck.

Donald Duck has one of those voices that everyone can identify, like Darth Vader — or Larry King.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself.

Many of Anthony Weiner’s Democratic colleagues are calling for him to resign to preserve his dignity, but that ship sailed a long time ago.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has broken up with her boyfriend of eight months. If that drunken tangerine little angel can’t find love, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, “Don’t mention it . . . to China, because it’s their money.”

President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was.

I heard about a retirement home in California that’s growing its own medical marijuana. Or as the residents put it, “Who wants to visit grandma now, you whippersnappers?”

 
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