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Tuesday Jun 07 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The USDA has done away with the food pyramid. It didn’t work anyway. Ever since they came out with it, Americans have turned into food pyramids.

When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won’t even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin had pizza together last week. When the waitress asked if they want extra toppings, Trump said, “No thanks, my hair is fine.”

Coffee is getting so expensive that border agents caught a guy trying to smuggle 5 pounds of Folgers buried inside a ton of cocaine.

Conan

It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, “I don’t know.”

People are bidding for a private lunch with Warren Buffett. So far, the bidding has reached $2 million. Buffett says the first financial tip he’ll give the winner is, “Try not to spend $2 million on lunch.”

Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “So it looks like they do want to start a family.”

The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

Late Show with David Letterman

Dr. Kevorkian passed away. He was a guy that made a living off finding a niche for himself.

Kevorkian was once sued for malpractice because one of his patients lived.

Happy birthday to Moammar Gadhafi who is 60 years old. He had a big party and was visited by his lovely nieces, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Gadhafi.

How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Moammar Gadhafi's Birthday

10
"We ran out of candles, so the cake is rigged with plastic explosives"
9
"Send in the stripper dressed as a buxom Ukrainian nurse"
8
"Incoming!"
7
"Don't think of it as getting older — think of it as being closer to an eternity spent writhing in hellfire"
6
"Who wants one of my famous Moammar-garitas?"
5
"Wow, Neil Patrick Harris will host anything"
4
"There's a catered lunch from CAA in the 11th floor conference room"
3
"Bad news, Sheila E. won't be here. She's doing Late Show Drum Solo Week"
2
"We never got an RSVP from Osama"
1
"He doesn't like surprises since that whole SEAL Team 6 thing"
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.

Despite the scandal, Weiner will not resign, saying he hasn’t done anything illegal and this is not the most embarrassing photo of him that has ever surfaced. That would be his senior portrait from high school.

Weiner’s high school portrait was taken at one of the rare moments when he wasn’t being stuffed into the garbage can.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, “Uh oh.”

I saw that Justin Bieber recently got both of his ears pierced. I was like, “Wow! Why am I reading Seventeen Magazine?”

Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?

 
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