Monday Jun 06 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade.

It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming.

Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California.

The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes.

Osama bin Laden’s successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn’t that Mitt Romney?

I’m a hypochondriac. It’s like a lifelong hobby.

All of the jokes tonight were faxed in to me over the years from Jack Kevorkian.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself

“Is this my best side?”
“Will this get me more followers?”
“Should I put it on Facebook instead?”
“Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?”
“Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?”
“What’s the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?”
“Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?”
“What would Brett Favre do?”
“Isn’t this what Twitter’s for?”
“What could possibly go wrong?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for late night comedians because it’s a bad day for Congressman Anthony Weiner.

Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It’s a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, “Thank you.”

The Oxford English Dictionary announced which new words will be included in the next edition. It’s like when they announce the line-up for “Dancing With the Stars,” but for people who can read.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a crazy week. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, “Thank you God! This is the best week ever!”

First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, “Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!”

That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, “Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.”

A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it, “Do I even need to campaign at this point?”

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