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Thursday May 26 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I’ve been feeling jittery and nervous and I realized I’m going through Oprah withdrawal.

President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, “What are you doing here?”

Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks.

Conan

I think I may be going through Oprah withdrawal. At 4:00, I cried for no reason and then I checked under my chair for a prize.

On her last show, Oprah gave the audience her personal email address and told them to keep in touch. Then she added, “Nobody give that to Dr. Phil.”

The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, “Now who can’t drive the car?”

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS announced some new shows coming up, including “Celebrity Housekeeper.” A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

No longer will we see Oprah everyday on her show. I watched her show a couple times last week and I think it’s time.

Oprah’s show, as well as “One Life to Live” are gone from afternoon TV. I have nothing to do in the afternoon now. I may start coming to rehearsal.

Oprah is really a champ. The only mistake she made is Dr. Phil.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises in the Final Oprah Show

10
Read list of all the people who can kiss her butt
9
For old times sake Tom Cruise jumped up and down on her couch
8
A pre-recorded farewell message from Osama
7
Surprise guest: Oprah's half-sister's half-sister
6
A confused Larry King walked on stage shouting, "Silver Spring, Maryland, Hello!"
5
Oprah's staffers chipped in and gave her a $20 gift certificate for Starbucks
4
No No. 4 — writer despondent over Oprah's finale
3
Gayle King fired onto the stage from a cannon
2
Due to a typo, everyone in the audience got a brand new "carp"
1
It was an hour of Oprah counting her money
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Country music resonates with Scottish people — getting drunk, getting your heart broken, and getting drunk again.

People say rap music is violent, but country music is very violent. The great Johnny Cash sang a song about shooting a man to watch him die and Carrie Underwood beat up her boyfriend’s car.

When I was in Nashville, I bought a snakeskin cowboy hat. Don’t write me letters, PETA. It was fake snakeskin.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Oprah finally has a chance to stay home and watch “Oprah,” and there’s no “Oprah” for her to watch.

There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It’s a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?

I never went to the prom, which was probably for the best because the only person who asked me to go was the janitor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Oprah ended her final show yesterday by saying, “I won’t say goodbye, I’ll just say, until we meet again.” Incidentally, that’s also what Lindsay Lohan says whenever she leaves court.

Lindsay began her house arrest today and was given an electronic ankle bracelet. Good luck getting that back.

That’s right, today Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, “Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.”

Subway sandwich shops are testing out several upscale restaurants called Subway Cafes. They feature wood paneling, lounge seating, and other things to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.

 
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