Tuesday May 24 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31.

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.

According to Osama bin Laden’s diaries, he wanted to attack Los Angeles. He changed his mind when he realized he didn’t have anything against the Mexican people.


The preacher who predicted the apocalypse last weekend now predicts that the world will end in October. It’s the first time that someone’s end-of-the-world prediction was followed by “Have a great summer.”

President Bush was almost hit by a foul ball at a baseball game. Bush vowed revenge, but you know President Obama will probably get the guy.

On “Dancing With the Stars,” Kirstie Alley performed a cartwheel. So if you were in the greater Los Angeles, that’s what you felt.

Late Show with David Letterman

Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22.

Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He’s very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself.

In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling.

Oprah is leaving TV, and with her goes my hope of one day sitting in her audience and receiving a Buick.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Barack Obama's Mind While Having Car Trouble in Ireland

"There goes my Avis deposit"
"I think we hit a Leprechaun"
"Crap, the teleprompter's in that car"
"How much does AAA charge to pick up a guy in Ireland?"
"Remember when Trump thought he could be president?"
"I wonder if Gingrich has a revolving line of credit at Sears Auto Center?"
"Lucky there aren't any television cameras around to catch this"
"It's always the day after your warranty expires, am I right?"
"Where are the Navy seals when you need them?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I can’t imagine going on “Dancing With the Stars.” Well, I can imagine it, but it would get ugly.

“Dancing With the Stars” has new stars each season — like “Two and a Half Men.”

They say dancing helps older people improve their memories, but that’s still not going to get me to dance. By the way, they say dancing helps older people improve their memories.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season.

Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume.

Apparently the rapture is being produced by the same people that produced “Spider-Man the Musical.”

Oprah’s show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver.

Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, announced that he’s running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free.

Today is National Hug Your Cat Day. Or as cats call it, “Yeah, don’t do that.”

Larry King is releasing a memoir next week about his career in television. It’s actually the first time Larry’s been published since he wrote the foreword to the Old Testament.

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