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Monday May 23 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A lot of people are very nervous about this whole rapture thing, though a lot of people didn’t understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, “The raptures were the scariest part of ‘Jurassic Park.’”

“The Voice” is a big hit on NBC. Yes, NBC has a hit show. That’s probably why that preacher thought the world was going to end.

Al-Qaida has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive.

Conan

The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don’t have much of a plan for the show.

Legal experts speculate that Arnold Schwarzenegger may have to give Maria Shriver up to $100 million in a divorce. When asked for a comment, Arnold said, “But I have families to support.”

The government has decided that no one is getting the $25 million award for capturing bin Laden. It’s because no one wants to break the news to SEAL Team 6.

Late Show with David Letterman

Lady Gaga will be on the show. She arrived earlier in a stretch egg.

It’s very exciting to have her here at CBS. She’s replacing Katie Couric.

It’s a great honor to be selected as the “Celebrity Apprentice.” It’s like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Harold Camping Excuses

10
"Rapture got rained out"
9
"Forgot to carry the 1"
8
"Dates got screwed up because of the Jewish holidays"
7
"Que?"
6
"Hold on, God's texting me . . . Yeah, it's been postponed"
5
"Don't blame me! I voted for Kucinich"
4
"To prevent bear attack, be sure to suspend all food and trash in a tree. I'm sorry, that's from ‘Top Ten Wilderness Camping Tips’"
3
"At 89, I can't remember how to operate the toaster"
2
"Didn't everybody's world end when ‘Oprah’ was canceled?"
1
"I'm crazy"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It’s terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge.

You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I’m glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored.

President Obama visited a bar in Ireland and drank Guinness. I know it’s not great for kids to see the president drinking alcohol, but in his defense, beer goes great with cigarettes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’m kind of upset the rapture didn’t happen last weekend. I gave away my whole Beanie Baby collection for no reason at all.

At first I felt bad for the people that sold everything they owned ahead of the apocalypse. But then I realized they’re idiots. If the world did end, what would you do with the money you got?

Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, released a brief statement saying, “It’s been a really tough weekend.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he’s sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That’s when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama’s like, “Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?”

President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather’s archrival, Donny McTrump.

That’s right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn’t necessary.

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he’s not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, “Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn’t you just tell us in person?”

 
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