Friday May 20 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!

Tim Pawlenty’s friends call him T-Paw. As opposed to everyone else who calls him “T-Who?”

A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is not day at the beach either.

Washington, D.C. high schools are being investigated for teachers helping students beat the standardized tests by giving them the answers or changing wrong answers for them. Where were these teachers when I was in high school?

Late Show with David Letterman

Time is flying by. Pretty soon, I’ll be opening my summer place in Abbottabad.

Katie Couric had her final broadcast on CBS. She’s leaving to run for president.

Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya.

Cher is turning 65 years old. They had a party and friends said that she was alert, she smiled, and even had a little cake.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Need To Do Before The End Of The World

Finish my community service for stealing a $2,500 necklace
Open my dream salon
Visit Elmwood, Australia
Thank my fan
Apologize for doing that "Jeter's Place" joke every night for the last three weeks
Sell off my collection of game-used sports equipment
Tell Oprah that I love her
Come clean about my steroid abuse
Tell that hump Dr. Phil to kiss my butt
Take a nap
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it’s official. I have the nicest legs at CBS.

I hope it’s not really going to be judgment day. It would totally ruin our summer.

If it is the last day on earth, this could be the last show you’ve ever seen. So why don’t you put in a DVD or something?

The man that is predicting judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The apocalypse is supposed to happen this weekend. I checked the weather and there’s only a 10 percent chance of apocalypse.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is putting his career on hold. Either that or he’s putting Korea on hold. It’s hard to understand him.

If you don’t know much about Newt Gingrich, he’s like Donald Trump without the charisma.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they’re going to try it here.

In one iPad game for cats, animated fish appear on the screen until your cat bats them away. Yeah, the game is called, “How to scratch up the screen of your $600 iPad.”

More than 250 colleges are using graduation gowns this year made from recycled plastic bottles. Yeah, it’s great preparation for the job most college students will be getting: collecting and recycling plastic bottles.

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