Thursday May 19 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Saturday is supposed to be doomsday. That sucks. I just joined Netflix.

President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, “Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre-1492 borders.”

New research suggests that men who drink at least six cups of coffee are at a lower risk for prostate cancer. You thought healthcare was expensive before? Wait until you have to pay for it at Starbucks.



Late Show with David Letterman

At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony.

Dick Cheney has published a memoir and it’s already in its third printing. The first two were peppered with buckshot.

Dick Cheney is a terrific storyteller. You remember the one he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That’s my job.

What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn’t it their job to keep stuff secret?

It’s easy to pick the Secret Service guys out of the crowd. They’re the ones talking into their sleeves. They’re either Secret Service or they’re insane.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on an animated show, which is a cartoon about himself. How much more of a cartoon can he be?

50 Cent performed on “American Idol” and not one person got shot. He’s slipping a little.

“American Idols” are idols the same way that American cheese is cheese.

The world is supposed to end on Saturday. It would really be bad if we only survived three weeks longer than bin Laden.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It’s not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff.

Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I’m not going to say reading it is torture. It’s more of an enhanced interrogation technique.

A new study found that long-lasting marriages are on the rise in the U.S. In fact, most marriages last for more than 10 years, or however long it takes to learn about the secret love child with the housekeeper.

A $215 million theme park is opening in China, dedicated to Hello Kitty. It’s right next to that famous Chinese restaurant “Goodbye Doggy.”

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