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Wednesday May 18 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year.

Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy.

Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal.

Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.

Conan

For the last week of her show, Oprah will have 20,000 people in the audience. Three of them will be men.

Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party.

A woman in California is in trouble for injecting her 8-year-old daughter with Botox. The daughter is the first kid in history that made a face and it really did get stuck that way.

A new app lets you get items at 7-Eleven without cash or a credit card. The app is known as a gun.

Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Trump is not running for president. The whole thing was a publicity stunt? Really?

Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That’s funny because I had just the opposite experience.

Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader — and so is SEAL Team 6.

It’s quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways To Make The Apocalypse More Fun

10
Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris
9
Crazy hats like at the Royal Wedding
8
All-you-can-eat baby back ribs with Chili's Aporkalypse special
7
Instead of four horsemen, three horsemen and a monkey riding a dog
6
Telecast of the “Real Housewives” being vaporized
5
Live tweet it
4
Hilarious slide whistle sound effect when the righteous ascend to heaven
3
Raffle drawing for a Broyhill dinette set
2
People's panicked pleas for mercy are critiqued by Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and Howie Mandel
1
More fun? What's more fun than the apocalypse?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The members of the family that owns the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are suing each other in federal court. There are wild charges and outbursts, and the judge said, “This trial is becoming a three-ring . . . never mind.”

Cirque du Soleil doesn’t use animals. They exploit a group of creatures even stranger than animals: French Canadians.

Growing up, I went to the circus every Christmas. It was a very low-rent circus. It was a down and dirty operation that tried to make money off the exploitation of hunchbacked freaks — kind of like this show.

The circus used to make me anxious that the animals would snap their leashes and attack the crowd. It’s the same thing I worry about now when I watch “The View.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can’t believe no one knew this was Arnold’s son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord.

I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger.

Maria Shriver had dinner with Oprah the other night, so Arnold is in a lot of trouble. He should start looking into fortified compounds in Abbottabad.

We’re about to plunge into depression and national mourning. There are only five episodes of “Oprah” left.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today is “National Visit Your Relatives Day!” Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, “Better make it two days.”

McDonald’s is changing the recipe of its grilled chicken sandwich to give it quote “a more neutral flavor profile.” I’m getting hungry just hearing the words, “neutral flavor profile.”

McDonald’s actually said they want their chicken sandwich to taste less Italian. Which is why today, they hired the head chef from the Olive Garden.

A recent study found that 92 percent of bear attacks come from male bears, and that mother bears are not as dangerous as once thought. It’s a cool thing to think about while your face is being torn off by a mother bear.

 
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