JokesPageHeader
     
Tuesday May 17 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gadhafi.

There's a new blood test that can tell you how fast you're aging. It cost $700. Or you can just look in the mirror.

Scientists say they have found the "master switch" that controls obesity. It's called the refrigerator light.

Conan

I’m Conan O’Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.

Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.

Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all.

Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Trump won’t run for president. I’m thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession.

I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him.

Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said, “Don’t fall for that.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

They just taped the final episode of the Oprah Winfrey show. It was a day of tears and sadness — and that was just me when I couldn’t get tickets.

A police officer in San Francisco was busted for running a brothel. They became suspicious when he would only handcuff people that paid extra.

Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. He’s been taking care of the child financially, providing healthcare and education — the same stuff he took from every other child while he was governor of California.

Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The children’s network, Nick Jr., is coming to Singapore and Malaysia this summer. Today, they debuted their first show: “SpongeBob SewsPants.”

A JetBlue flight from Phoenix landed safely at JFK, even though it was struck by lightning. Meanwhile, a Southwest Airlines flight landed safely, even though it was a Southwest Airlines flight.

A 100-year-old woman in Texas will finally graduate from high school in June. She's already thought up a pretty good senior class prank: sitting still with her eyes closed.

Miss Wisconsin had to drop out of the Miss USA pageant after she was charged with identity theft. Yeah, the whole thing’s pretty crazy. It turns out her last name isn’t even Wisconsin.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved