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Monday May 16 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He couldn’t find his birth certificate.

To save money, Washington state has canceled next year’s presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn’t have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever.

Our long national nightmare is over. Ashton Kutcher is replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men.”

Conan

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters — all of whom are late night comedians.

Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee’s announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump’s announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey.

Ron Paul came out in favor of the legalization of heroin and prostitution. Unfortunately, he didn’t come out in time to be Charlie Sheen’s replacement on “Two and a Half Men.”

Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, “SEAL Team 6.” They also renamed their most popular ride, “It’s a Small World — and We Will Find Where You’re Hiding and Kill You.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, “We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.”

It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, “Why the long face?”

Al-Qaida is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They’re thinking about Ashton Kutcher.

They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Tips For Aspiring Singers Presented by Christina Aguilera

10
Try to be born with an awesome voice
9
If your name is "Larry," change it to "Larry Bieber"
8
Be a triple threat: I'm a singer, an actress, and a part-time tax accountant at H&R Block
7
Best way to warm up your vocal chords — meow like a kitty
6
Listen to as many different styles as possible . . . but if you illegally download my music, I'll kick your butt
5
Wear sun block: That's just a really good tip in general
4
If your song is too short, put in a few of these (she sings)
3
If you watch "The Voice" on NBC, I personally guarantee you'll win a Grammy
2
Learn the lyrics to the national anthem
1
Start out singing for small audiences like on "Letterman"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret.

Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.

After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It’s the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out.

Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Disney is trademarking the phrase “SEAL Team 6,” after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, “This would make a great Disney movie.”

In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans.

On their first day in Italy, the cast of “Jersey Shore” got $375 worth of traffic tickets. The cop was like, “Do you know the speed limit?” And they were like, “Yeah, yeah, he’s friends with The Situation.”

 
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