Friday May 13 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.

Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan.

There’s talk in Hollywood about doing another “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like July.

Late Show with David Letterman

I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself.

Katie Couric will be leaving CBS after five years. There was a problem with dog-fighting, and then there was that stolen necklace.

This means that Andy Rooney is now the perkiest person at CBS.

McDonalds is getting an upscale makeover. They’ll have wooden tables, leather chairs, and the ketchup pump will be replaced with a carafe.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes

"Moon Over Abbottabad"
"Prelude To V.D."
"Gingrich 2012"
"Dave Letterman's Cavalcade Of Fun"
"Rhapsody In Orthodontic Headgear"
"The Films Of Rob Schneider"
No No. 4 — writer at a bad prom. What are the odds?
"Theme TBD"
"Forever Busey"
"The Minimum Waste Of Time And Effort"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

In the old days, people got married based on how much money the bride’s family had. These days, people get married for love, or if it’s a reality show, or something like that.

A lot of people make money off of weddings, such as caterers, photographers, and divorce lawyers.

My first job was being a street urchin, down on my hands and knees grabbing around for coins, which is good training for working here at CBS.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul’s campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall.

Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, “It can’t be that bad.”

The Postal Service revealed that 5,600 mailmen were bitten by dogs last year. And that was just in New Yorker cartoons.

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