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Wednesday May 11 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.

Newt Gingrich announced he is running for president. His new slogan is “At least I’m not Trump.”

McDonald’s is undergoing a billion-dollar makeover, to be more like Starbucks — snobby, overpriced, and full of unemployed people.

Oreo has come out with something called the “Triple Double” Oreo. They call it that because your waistline triples and your cholesterol doubles.

Conan

President Obama’s approval rating is the highest in two years. Experts say that at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills bin Laden two more times.

Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, “What happened to the last guy?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold’s friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of “Jingle All the Way.”

Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

Late Show with David Letterman

A deadly peacock has escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They want everyone to be on the lookout for an enormous tail. It’s like looking for Kim Kardashian.

There was a naked guy running around on the subway. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie . . .

Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden

10
"How many threats per minute can you type?"
9
"Can you work weekends?"
8
"Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"
7
"How do your co-terrorists describe you?"
6
"What is the current bounty on your head?"
5
"Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"
4
"Would you require the use of the company llama?"
3
"How often do you delouse your beard?"
2
"Were you bar mitzvahed?"
1
"What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mel Gibson’s new movie is about a man who is so emotionally damaged that he can only communicate through hand puppets. It’s called “The Craig Ferguson Story.”

I don’t know how I feel about film festivals. On one hand, film is an art form and competition demeans it. On the other hand, I’m a very big fan of watching other people fail.

I’ve been to the Cannes film festival three times. Yes, I used to be in real show business.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

CBS has offered Charlie Sheen’s role on “Two and a Half Men” to Hugh Grant. I wonder what the thought process was there: “Where can we find another actor who has been busted with hookers?”

Lindsay Lohan pleaded no contest to theft charges for allegedly taking a necklace from a jewelry store. She will serve her sentence at home with a monitoring bracelet. If she stole a necklace, what are the chances they’ll get that monitoring bracelet back?

After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, “I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Just a month after misplacing a cobra, the Bronx Zoo spent today looking for its missing female peacock. Yeah, you know what else the Bronx Zoo should be looking for? A new zookeeper.

A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.

The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, “Wanna bet?”

The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas.

 
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