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Tuesday May 10 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yea, not anymore.

The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.

Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.

The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight.

Conan

The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as “complicated.” In fact it’s so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It’s the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator.

In Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, “Welcome to Detroit.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She’ll get the house in Malibu and he’ll be moving back to Skull Island.

They gave it a shot, but that’s what happens when you marry outside of your species.

Arnold is being a guy about it, saying “I’ll be back — for my things.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Mary Hart Has Learned In 29 Years Hosting ‘Entertainment Tonight’

10
People in entertainment are better than others
9
In a mug, no one knows what you're drinking!
8
Most of our celebrities have been to prison
7
I've memorized every celebrity's birthday. Happy 75th to "Laugh-In" star Gary Owens!
6
If you're not careful, you could get Leno'd
5
Watch your personal belongings around Lindsay
4
Tom Hanks is a total loser
3
I still can't tell the difference between Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal
2
The words "entertainment" and "tonight" are rarely found in the same sentence as "Letterman"
1
Nothing!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, “Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.”

They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.

California is a very tough state to govern. We can’t even control Lindsay Lohan.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don’t know how they ever started communicating.

Arnold and Maria released a statement citing irreconcilable differences. Well, Maria cited irreconcilable differences, and translators are trying to figure out what Arnold said.

What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.

The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It’s kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you’re like, “We will fight you until the end! Of May!”

The safest delivery driver at UPS recently logged 4 million miles without an accident. He’s being awarded UPS’s highest honor: long pants.

 
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