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Monday May 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that’s coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden.

Officials say the terrorists are now going after our railways. The rail line you should really avoid is Amtrakistan.

According to the Wall Street Journal, men cry more as they get older. Especially when they reach retirement and they have to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Conan

For Mother’s Day, Hooters was giving free wings to moms. I didn’t even know that when I took my mom there.

President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what’s up.

Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, “Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The horse that won the Kentucky Derby was given 20 to 1 odds. They’re giving the same odds to Katie Couric’s replacement.

Regis Philbin is publishing his memoirs because he found out there’s some money out there he hasn’t got his hands on yet.

It will be the most anticipated book since Bob Barker released his memoirs.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Meredith Vieira Is Leaving The ‘Today’ Show

10
Could no longer handle short work day and big paycheck
9
Exhausted from carrying one NBC show people still watch
8
Wanted in several missing tourist cases
7
Only so many times you can learn secrets to making chilled summer soups
6
Still suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder from years at "The View"
5
Steroids
4
Starting her own cable channel called The Oprah Winfrey Network
3
Cash-strapped NBC has been paying everyone in True Value Hardware coupons
2
Can't act like she gives a crap where in the world Matt Lauer is
1
Forced out by Leno
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, “Are we there yet?”

Paul McCartney is getting married again. The couple plans on having an intimate ceremony, which is a nice way of saying that Ringo is not invited.

Doctors say that 2011 will be the worst year ever for allergies. Before that, they said 2010 would be worst and before that, 2009. I’m starting to think these doctors may work for the allergy companies.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I always think Mother’s Day is funny because all of the mothers I know just want to get as far away from their children as possible.

Simon Cowell started shooting his new TV show, which explains why Baby Gap is sold out of black T-shirts.

Al-Qaida released a statement saying the United States will pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did pay for it. We even took care of the funeral arrangements.

For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.

Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ‘90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.

Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. In other words, it looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler.

 
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