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Friday May 06 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mother’s Day is tough this year. Do you go to the ATM and take out $200 for roses or do you use the $200 to fill up the SUV to go visit mom?

The price of oil is now under $100 a barrel. The oil companies say they should be passing on the savings to us in six or seven years.

Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden’s death. They want to call it “Martyr’s Sea.” Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about “Chicken of the Sea?”

Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The summer blockbuster “Thor” is about a warrior from another dimension. But one third of Americans believe he was born in Kenya.

The Kentucky Derby is coming up. This year, the horses may be subjected to a surprise drug test. Isn’t everything a surprise to a horse though?

Immediately after winning the derby, the horse goes right back to Jay Leno’s garage.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten 'Thor' Spoilers

10
"Thor" is short for "Thorstein"
9
Hammer is an Ace Hardware rubber mallet
8
Thor is banished to Earth for failing to file his tax returns
7
Villain is the Swedish guy who designs IKEA assembly instructions
6
Thor can control wind, lightning, and rain. He listens to Earth, Wind, & Fire
5
It's two hours of a naked Thor playing the bongos
4
Lustrous, flowing blond hair courtesy of Eddie Brill's wheatgrass diet
3
Gets his powers from a steroid dealer he met at his gym
2
Ends with Thor's story adapted into a Broadway musical where actors keep getting injured
1
Begins in 970 A.D., when Regis was born
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s not always good to give your child a trendy name. I still haven’t been forgiven by my 18-year-old son Sir Mix-a-Lot.

“Thor” is a superhero with the strength of the Hulk, the courage of Superman, and the thick, stumpy legs of Khloe Kardashian.

Thor has a hammer that he can use to crush his enemies and then celebrate by putting up a bookcase or some shelving.

Thor is a god who lives down on earth among regular humans. Nowadays, we would call that “Oprah.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A recent study found that only 7 percent of 8th graders can correctly name the three branches of government. That’s ridiculous — everybody knows it’s the legislative, the executive, and . . .

The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida.

President Obama will be doing an interview with “60 Minutes,” and Michelle Obama will be doing an interview with Martha Stewart. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden will be doing an interview with a panda he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop.

Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18 wedding. That’s right, she told guests to wear white — but bring black, just in case.

 
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