Thursday May 05 2011

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The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep.

They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, "Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?"

A new sleep study suggested that insomnia is linked to early death. Well that should help you doze off. If you weren’t sleeping before, this should knock you right out.


Happy Cinco de Mayo to everybody. According to Time magazine, this is the 4th drunkest holiday in America. The first three are St. Patrick’s Day.

They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea.

Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that’s what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener.

Late Show with David Letterman

Katie Couric is leaving CBS. I watched her show a couple of times this week, and I think it’s time.

Katie will be replaced by the show’s No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

For Cinco de Mayo, New York City filled all of its potholes with salsa and guacamole.

Yes, it’s Cinco de Mayo. Pakistan is claiming they had no idea.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Letterman Family Mother's Day Traditions Presented By Dave's Mom

I steal flowers from my neighbors
Illegal fireworks
Whatever I get from Dave goes straight to eBay
It's not about the gifts, it's about the quality time I get to spend with these guys (cut to TV crew)
I think about funny things I saw on Leno
Freestyle picking
Someone always calls the cops
Read my tweets and find out
Hide in the garage until it's over
Present the same 10 bad jokes as every other year
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the world’s oldest newlyweds. After a brief honeymoon, they plan to reside in heaven.

Cinco de Mayo is the day we celebrate the Mexican army’s victory over the French. Back then, the French army was huge. These days, it’s a couple of mimes and a baguette.

You know what they call Cinco de Mayo in Arizona? Thursday.

Arizona used to be part of Mexico. Just ask John McCain — he can remember it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Cinco de Mayo celebrates the day that St. Cinco drove all the piñatas out of Tijuana.

Seriously though, it celebrates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over the French. Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but is any victory over the French unlikely?

It’s a weird holiday because they don’t celebrate it much in Mexico, but here in the United States, it’s a day of Mexican heritage and pride. Because nothing fills Mexicans with pride like watching white people eat chimichangas.

A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he’s in superhell.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s Cinco de Mayo, everybody! I celebrated the way I do every year: by pressing “Español” on the ATM machine.

Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was “38 of the most intense minutes.” Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.

President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . .

Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden.

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