Wednesday May 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “the ultimate waterboarding.”

In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.

They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head.


At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.

Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden’s compound, which explains why bin Laden’s last words were, “Dude . . . “

Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about “American Idol.” That really shows that we’ve won the War on Terror.

BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, “our warm up spill.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Osama bin Laden was growing marijuana in his compound. He’s in real trouble now.

They dumped bin Laden’s body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now.

He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.

They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be now shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor

Didn't matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
No one gave us better hugs
Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard — you're welcome, ladies!
He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
The adorable way he'd shout "Death to weeds!" when mowing the lawn
At barbecues he made his famous "Fatwa Franks"
You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

First, Osama bin Laden was killed, then his computer was confiscated, and now the final insult: Elizabeth Hasselbeck of “The View” is writing a book about him.

After a long search, New York City has selected “the cab of the future.” I’m going to talk about this because it’s a light news week apparently.

The old New York taxis won’t disappear immediately, they’ll just be phased out over the next few years — just like CBS news anchors.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.

He’s up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.

Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, “Well, I loosened it.”

Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden’s dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.

After Osama bin Laden’s death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in “bin Laden” searches on Google. Which means people were going, “Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who’s that again?”

A 90-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man recently became the oldest couple ever to get married. Yeah, it was really sweet. First the couple exchanged vows, then they exchanged teeth.

While promoting her “Let’s Move” campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.

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