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Tuesday May 03 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up.

Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.

NATO bombed Gadhafi’s compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear.

The Journal of Animal Ethics says that it’s insulting to call animals “pets,” and they should be called “animal companions.” They say “pet” is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they’re called “dinner.”

Conan

The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.

Rush Limbaugh declared on his radio show, “Thank God for President Obama.” In other words, the apocalypse has begun.

The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called “Team 6.” Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump’s shot at being president.

Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so nice in New York City today that Navy SEALs raided a Jamba Juice.

Katie Couric is leaving CBS. The good news for the network is that now, I’ll be the perky one.

I’m sure Katie will be just fine on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Osama bin Laden lived in a compound with all of his wives for the last few years. So I guess he did suffer.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden

10
"We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often"
9
"Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?"
8
"Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes"
7
"Hit pause, I gotta take a leak"
6
"These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent"
5
"Biden, wake up!"
4
"Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?"
3
"We should totally post this on YouTube"
2
"Seriously, Joe, wake up!"
1
"I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s another bad day for Osama bin Laden. He’s not only dead, but now his computer has been confiscated.

The doctor is always giving me advice to cut down stress. He said I should go somewhere peaceful where no one will bother me. I said, “How about a walled compound in Pakistan?”

I don’t enjoy going to the doctor’s office. Everything in there is all sick and germy. It’s like the hot tub from “Jersey Shore.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The initial reports said that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy SEALs, but now it appears that he was killed by actual seals.

This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL.

The CIA says bin Laden’s last words were, “Are you guys here about the dishwasher?”

There’s one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn’t talk about Charlie Sheen.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.

Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It’s pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you’re just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee?

Southwest Airlines closed a $1 billion deal yesterday to buy AirTran. Yeah, that’s a smart business move — eliminate the only airline that was keeping you from being the world’s worst airline.

In the wake of bin Laden’s death, the NBA has announced that it will use metal detectors at all playoff games to screen for weapons. Or as the players put it, “Uh oh."

 
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