Monday May 02 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.

Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.

At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection.

For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they’re going to Pakistan.


Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.

President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, “I could have used seals?”

Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko’s.

The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?

Late Show with David Letterman

Did everyone enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?

We finally killed bin Laden. That didn’t take too long.

There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden

"My horoscope says 'Big surprises are in store'"
"See, this is why I normally don't answer the door"
"The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo . . . “
"What on earth could be interrupting 'Celebrity Apprentice?’"
"I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise"
"At least I'll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne"
"I'm not sure I want to live in a world where 'Fast Five' is the No. 1 movie"
"Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?"
"I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head"
"Oh, crap!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.

Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn’t been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river.

Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion.

President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.

After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.

I just want to point out that “buried at sea” means “dumped in the ocean.” This could be the best Shark Week ever.

Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it’s an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That’s right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012.

Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, “I hope you at least use this to interrupt ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion.

Microsoft is bringing back “Clippy,” the cartoon paperclip that used to pop up in Word documents. Apparently he’s been hiding in an upscale suburb of Pakistan.

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