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Friday Apr 29 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We’re so fascinated by royal weddings because there’s no monarchy in the United States. The closest we could get would be if Larry King married Queen Latifah.

Many Americans are disappointed that the media is paying so much attention to statements made by Donald Trump. The media’s obsession with Trump has pushed Snooki and Charlie Sheen right off the front page.

Trump got an endorsement from former child star Joey Lawrence. I’m waiting to hear from David Cassidy and Leif Garrett.

Late Show with David Letterman

The royal wedding had a tremendous guest list of celebrities. There was the duke and duchess of Gloucester, the earl and countess of St. Andrew, and Lord and Lady Gaga.

Prince William is marrying Kate Middleton. She probably has two or three days until she ticks off the queen.

The closest thing we have to a royal wedding in this country is a 24-year-old marrying Hugh Hefner.

The royal couple got married and then traveled by horse and carriage. You see what these gas prices have done?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble In The William And Kate Marriage

10
Sleeping in separate castles
9
Constant arguments over which one of them is prettier
8
She prefers "Conan," he prefers "Lopez Tonight"
7
He won't stop talking about college softball
6
Servants overheard Kate yell, "Shove," "Crown," and "Up your butt"
5
Arguing over where their kids should go to Hebrew school
4
She's started dating Charlie Sheen
3
They already have a reality show on Bravo
2
He's having trouble fitting her into his grueling zero-hour-a-week schedule
1
Even they're sick of hearing about the royal wedding
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The royal wedding wasn’t just the biggest wedding of the year, but the biggest wedding of the decade. No offense, Khloe and Lamar.

Two billion people around the world watched the royal wedding, including al-Qaida.

Prince William met Kate Middleton when he picked her out at a runway fashion show. It’s like he went wife shopping.

No one knows how much the royal wedding costs, but they think it may be more expensive than all of Larry King’s weddings put together.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Prince William and Kate Middleton kissed each other in public two times on a balcony. At one point I was like, “Geez, get a castle, you two!”

It took Kate Middleton about four minutes to walk down the aisle at the royal wedding. Meanwhile, it took me about a second to realize I was a grown man using a stopwatch to time a bride walking down the aisle.

A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it “great news,” while Obama called it “great news.”

Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.

 
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