Thursday Apr 28 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s my birthday. Sadly, the celebration was marred when Letterman demanded to see my birth certificate.

President Obama’s approval rating is so low, Kenyans are thrilled to find out he was actually born in Hawaii.

Donald Trump is now demanding to see Obama’s school records, and wants to know how he got into Harvard. We don’t even know how Bush got into Harvard.

To get more Americans to watch the royal wedding, they’re now calling it “The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace.”



Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Trump said he’s proud of himself for getting President Obama to reveal his birth certificate. Hello, winning!

Trump was in New Hampshire, where they have the presidential primaries, and he was testing the waters to see if the country Is ready for a buffoon.

Trump said he’ll announce whether or not he’s running for president on the final episode of “Celebrity Apprentice.” He’ll be surrounded by political heavyweights like Gary Busey, Latoya Jackson, and Meat Loaf.

Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who is now 61 years old. Jay is one of the few tyrants still alive.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Perks Of Peyton Hillis Being On The Cover Of Madden NFL '12

I'm giving away the bride at tomorrow's royal wedding
Free back massage from John Madden
It gets my name out there. Even I have never heard of me
I'm the frontrunner to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men"
When going through airport security, video game box counts as I.D.
When people ask, "Are you on the cover of Madden NFL '12?" I can say, "Yup"
It's a good predictor of who will win at the Golden Globes
I get my own catchphrase: "Watchoo talkin' 'bout, Hillis?"
You call doing this crap a perk?
Helps Cleveland forget about LeBron
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to Jay Leno. Sixty-one years ago he was born on this day. His chin was born two days earlier.

In the 1980s, a young Anthony Hopkins and a young Mel Gibson starred in a movie together. One of them would go on to become one of Hollywood’s creepiest villains — and the other would go on to play Hannibal Lecter.

They say the sunsets in the South Pacific are a shade of orange that you can’t see anywhere else on earth. It would be like seeing Snooki up close.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The seating chart for the royal wedding was released. It’s good to see that they have a sense of humor. They seated Queen Elizabeth next to Queen Latifah.

Even if William and Kate wanted to get out of this wedding, they couldn’t. They would be beheaded.

President Obama finally released his birth certificate because he said we can’t afford to be distracted by “carnival barkers.” Carnival barkers are now upset and say they have been offended. There goes the all-important bearded lady vote.

Donald Trump says he’s glad the focus is off President Obama’s birth certificate, and now he’s demanding to see President Lincoln’s death certificate.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A man in the U.K. got pictures of Prince William and Kate Middleton tattooed on his two front teeth. I don’t know, that just seems like such an unclassy idea for a tooth tattoo.

McDonald’s is planning to hire 50,000 new employees in China over the next two years. They have a good plan to find workers — they’re going to put job applications in 50,000 Happy Meals.

McDonald’s is also planning to open 700 new stores in China by 2013. Yeah, they have a great dollar menu — or as China calls it, the “worthless” menu.

A new study found that students who use Facebook while studying have 20 percent lower grades than students who focus. When kids who use Facebook heard that they were like, “20 percent? Big deal. What’s that, like 10 percent?”

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