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Wednesday Apr 27 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.

It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it.

The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless.

The price of coffee has hit a 34-year high. Except at Starbucks, where coffee has always been at a 34-year high.

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 120 days. But don’t worry, because the Taliban guys are already digging her a tunnel.

Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president.

Katie Couric has announced that she’s leaving the CBS. Insiders think she may have been involved in dog-fighting.

Don’t worry about Katie. She’s the new voice of the Aflac duck.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises On Barack Obama's Birth Certificate

10
Was born at a luau
9
Parents crossed out original choice for first name, "Gary"
8
Is a triplet, born with sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Obama
7
Also released as an audiobook read by John Lithgow
6
It's covered in poi stains
5
Claims he's a baby when Obama is clearly an adult — It's a forgery!
4
Under "Conspiracy?” They checked "No"
3
Document notarized by Magnum P.I.
2
Note reads "To be released only at the request of crazy-haired blowhard billionaires"
1
Fine print at bottom: Not an actual birth certificate
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places.

I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants.

The royal wedding had a minor hiccup when they realized another couple had Westminster Abbey booked for the same weekend, so the royals have to be out of there by 2:00.

Sony revealed that their PlayStation network had been hacked and that personal account information of their users was compromised. Isn’t hacking into PlayStation against the nerd code of ethics?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu.

Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.

There’s a new play in New York City about the life of Lindsay Lohan. The actress who played Lindsay totally stole the show — plus a gold necklace, three rings, and a bracelet.

I heard that Britney Spears is banning cookie dough ice cream and alcohol from her new tour. Or as Britney told her kids, “Breakfast is canceled, y’all!”

 
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