Monday Oct 12 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Congratulations to President Barack Obama, he won the Nobel Peace Prize. Don't get too excited, he hasn't actually collected it yet. Let's see if he can follow through on this. Remember the last time he flew to Europe for that Olympic thing . . . that was a sure thing too.

According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do break your legs there's a good chance you're covered.

A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.


Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So congratulations, Michelle Obama . . .

This weekend in Washington D.C., there was a huge gay rights rally and one of the most popular chants was, “Hey Obama — let mama marry mama!” Historians are calling this the best gay rights chant since “Hey Dwight D. Eisenhower — let Mike and Steve share a shower!”

Rain is predicted for the next couple of days in Los Angeles, and forecasters are warning that the rain could cause significant mud-slides. On the bright side they’re pretty sure the mud won’t catch fire.

A former employee of Oprah Winfrey is claiming that she was wrongfully terminated and is suing Oprah for $75,000. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “$75,000? That is adorable.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s Columbus Day. I went to the Columbus Day Parade and ended up with a sore back. I had to lift Mayor Bloomberg up so he could see.

In honor of Columbus Day, Dick Cheney’s cholesterol was 1492.

President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Meanwhile, at an Arizona senior citizens home, John McCain is screaming, “Bingo!”

The president says he wants to do away with the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s “Don’t know, don’t care” policy.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Christopher Columbus Would Say If He Were Alive Today

"Please tell me you've been TiVoing "Gossip Girl"
"Good Lord, this country got obese!"
"Forget me — salute the guy who invented the bacon cheese doughnut burger"
"Is that the same John McCain who was on the Pinta?"
"I discovered the country, and all I get is a sale at Sears"
"My most recent discovery? Paul Shaffer's hilarious new memoir, 'We'll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives" available now
"Comedy at 10 p.m.! It's about time!"
"I give A-Rod and Kate Hudson two months"
"I believe that it is possible for man, with adequate rations and supplies, to circumnavigate Kirstie Alley"
"I'm 558 years old, and I still look better than Letterman"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Chicago Cubs are filing for bankruptcy. They’re from Chicago; they’ve spent millions of dollars they don’t have . . . I smell Nobel Peace Prize.

Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the judges in the Miss America pageant. I’m thinking, “A loud-mouthed judge who likes prescription pain killers?” Well, it worked on “American Idol.”

It’s Columbus Day. But I have to work today. CBS believes that the way to celebrate people coming to America is to make an immigrant work.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not in place by Christmas. To which people in both nations said, “Umm . . . what’s Christmas?”

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” It’s part of Trump’s plan to make his own hair look normal.

Yesterday morning Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church. Though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.

A company in Massachusetts has created a flying car that can change from a plane into a car in less than a minute. Captain Sully Sullenberger said “Big deal — I turned a plane into a boat.”

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