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Wednesday Apr 13 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.

Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama’s speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller.

Taco Bell is making a taco shell that’s made of Doritos. That’s how fat we are now. Our fast food is wrapped in junk food.

Conan

If you tell jokes for a living, Donald Trump running for president is a great thing.

Political experts are saying NBC should take “Celebrity Apprentice” off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says “leader of the free world” like someone who can’t stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey.

A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.

A 30-second ad during Oprah’s last show will cost $1 million. It’s weird because the only person that can afford to take out an ad on Oprah’s last show is Oprah.

Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: “A complex world demands complex hair.”

Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb.

They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There’s nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Revelations By Moammar Gadhafi’s Nurse

10
Can bench press a medium-sized camel
9
Drinks four glasses of crude oil a day
8
Sings in a Jimmy Buffett tribute band called ‘Moammar-Garitaville’
7
Had a brief, stormy marriage to Loni Anderson
6
Even he thinks Trump is nuts
5
Enjoys a good matzo ball soup
4
Three words: Justin Bieber tattoo
3
Paid entire staff in Gadhafi bucks
2
Often liked to pretend he was the nurse and she was the corrupt dictator
1
Used same plastic surgeon as Regis
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jennifer Lopez was chosen as the world’s most beautiful woman by People magazine. But anybody looks good when they’re sitting next to Steven Tyler.

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: “Vote for me, I’m not Trump.”

Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome.

There used to be so much fighting in hockey that each game was like an episode of “The View.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of girl scout cookies.

If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States.

Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she’ll be giving them away.

Barry Bonds was charged with obstruction of justice, as well as obstructing anyone that sat behind him in a movie theater.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rerun

 
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