Tuesday Apr 12 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A New Zealand airline is offering what they call “cuddle class.” Don’t all airlines have that? It’s called “coach.”

Economists say sharp increases in energy and food prices could lead to higher inflation. But prices are falling on a lot of items, like Charlie Sheen tickets.

The price of gas in California is almost $5 a gallon. Coming into work, I passed a van packed with legal Americans.

It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he’s forming an exploratory committee. Doesn’t that sound like something every man should have after 50?


It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.

Applebee’s apologized for serving a toddler a cup of tequila. They also apologized to the family for serving them food made by Applebee’s.

Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage.

Late Show with David Letterman

I’m 64 years old today. Many of my jokes are older than I am.

Lindsay Lohan heard that it’s my birthday so she went and stole a tie for me.

The White House says that Donald Trump has “zero percent chance” of being elected president. Isn’t that a little high?

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Katie Holmes Is Presenting Tonight's Top Ten List

Lost a bet with Tom
They told me this was "Lopez Tonight"
When I heard Bjorn Lomborg was going to be here, how could I say no?
This and an hour of traffic school gets me out of a speeding ticket
I'm here tonight anyway playing bass for the Foo Fighters
I was in the neighborhood auditioning for Katie Couric's job
It kills time before my table's ready at the Cheesecake Factory
Honestly, I have no idea
It's easier than getting Dave a birthday present
What's the downside? No one's going to see this
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

On a crab fishing boat, there’s a lot of employee turnover. It’s like hosting the CBS news.

Alaska is more than twice the size of Texas, although Texas still leads the country in belt buckle size.

We bought Alaska from the Russians. It’s the second best thing we got from Russia, after Yakov Smirnoff.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.

Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. Is that scarier than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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