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Monday Apr 11 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama’s performance. The other 81 percent don’t own gas stations.

Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn’t we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?

Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president.

According to the New York Post, the house from "Jersey Shore" is now for rent. But the hot tub was sent to the Centers for Disease Control for analysis.

Conan

To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was “Real Housewives of D.C.”

President Obama said he misses being anonymous. He said that in the old days, he could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Obamas.

The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, “Because ‘Glee’ will be in reruns.”

Denny’s has announced that they will be opening as many as 50 restaurants in India. When they heard this, people in India said, “Hey, we’re hungry, but not that hungry.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Tiger Woods came in fourth, but that’s still a pretty good paycheck for his ex-wife.

Americans are getting exactly what they want: the slashing of Medicare and Social Security.

The Democrats and the Republicans worked together on the budget with one common goal: to screw each other.

Hugh Hefner is 85 years old. They had a party and Hugh smiled and seemed to know where he was.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Charl Schwartzel

10
Charl is short for Charlene
9
Started playing golf last August
8
Launched 30-city “My Violent Putter of Truth” tour
7
“Golf Digest” lists him as the No. 1 player in the world named Charl
6
His favorite breakfast: Schwaffles
5
Drives for dough, pets for show
4
Could hardly focus after Pia was kicked off “American Idol”
3
Even he’s not sure how to pronounce his name
2
Played third round wearing Jimmy Choo stilettos
1
Once missed a tournament because of a herniated Schwartzel
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I’ve got a terrible cold. And by “cold,” I mean I was in Las Vegas for the weekend and I feel ill.

The gas prices are rising, the presidential races are heating up, and there’s trouble in the Middle East, but none of that concerns me because it’s Library Week.

This is the week that we celebrate America’s libraries by returning overdue books.

I never understood people that keep books longer than they should. The purpose of borrowing something is that you return it. Unless you’re Lindsay Lohan and it’s a necklace.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’m so glad the government is still running. If it stopped, who would give me my parking tickets — Santa?

Republicans and Democrats agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding extension to keep this country not moving forward.

It’s the beginning of the 37th annual National Volunteer Week, so does anyone feel like doing my laundry for me?

The contract disputes that were holding up the fourth season of “Jersey Shore” have been resolved. They will now receive $100,000 per episode, which should cover their gym, tan, laundry, and plaster lawn sculptures for life.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rerun

 
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