Wednesday Apr 06 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before.
Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing.
The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working.
President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. His new slogan is “Change you can believe in — this time, I promise.”
Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of “Jersey Shore,” but the U.S. government is still up in the air.
Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he’s leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales.
Disney is set to begin construction on a Disneyland in China. This one will be built for children, by children.
Elton John revealed that his son’s godmother is Lady Gaga. Which explains why the child’s first words were, “I get it, you’re gay.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Southwest Airlines has a new slogan: “Forty percent off your tickets, 30 percent off the plane.”
Charlie Sheen apparently received booing and catcalls at his show in Detroit. Welcome to my world.
The White House says we’ll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn’t see that coming.
The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they’re predicting about 12 years.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten President Obama Campaign Promises For 2012
Be more of a warlock, less of a troll
Keep unemployment below 75 percent
Fight three wars and the fourth one is free
Replace space shuttle with this (video of Don Rickles firing a rocket)
Get fat like the rest of America
Send troops to quell feud between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey
Fortune cookies actually tell fortunes, no more of this lucky numbers crap
Go back to being that cool, smoking badass we all fell in love with
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Fox News announced that they’re dropping Glenn Beck’s show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
Richard Branson is the 212th richest man in the world. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet think he’s a loser.
Branson already started a space program and now he wants to explore the depths of the ocean. This guy must really hate his family.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
If Congress can’t agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people’s money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobile and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient.
A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It turns out the White House might have to lay off staff members if the government shuts down on Friday. It’s really bad news for non-essential workers — you know, interns, pages, Biden . . .
It’s rumored that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have adopted a child from Tunisia. So two more countries to go!
Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It’s nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.