Tuesday Apr 05 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

There were a lot of opportunities for gambling this past weekend: basketball, baseball, or flying with Southwest.

Authorities in Mali arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed. Charlie Sheen called it “the worst air disaster in history.”

McDonald’s announced that it will hire 15,000 people. That’s when you know things are bad — when McDonald’s needs reinforcements.


Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.

The CEO of Starbucks announced his intention to expand the coffee shop into a grocery business. I can’t wait to buy a $4 tomato.

The stars of “Jersey Shore” are demanding more money from MTV before they do a fourth season. They say that MTV must come up with the money or else they’ll take their lack of talent elsewhere.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City is laying off pest control workers due to budget problems. I know what you’re thinking: New York City has pest control workers?

Allergies are so bad right now that Lindsay Lohan is stealing Claritin.

Lindsay Lohan dropped her last name, so she’s now known as Lindsay. She should have dropped that necklace.

I asked my accountant if my deductions are legal and he said, “Who’s asking?”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Southwest Airlines Excuses

Not a hole, it's a sunroof
Wanted to be known for more than just our chaotic seating policy
Cabin was getting a little stuffy
Who cares? At least we don't fly to Dayton
Hello? Fashion Week? Torn fuselages are in!
Don't think of them as cracks, think of them as nooks and crannies
It's called an "air" plane, not an "airtight" plane
Excuses? How about a thank you?
April Fools’!
Our mechanics get less sleep than our pilots
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Scientists say the ozone layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40 percent. It’s the biggest hole in the sky that’s not on a Southwest plane.

To avoid identity theft, I keep my information somewhere that no one will find it: on the CBS website.

The elderly are the fastest-growing segment of Internet users. I know several old people that send email, chat, and Skype with their friends. Some of them even do it when the computer is turned on.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it’s rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That’s a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.

I think Obama is building an underground Kenya so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.

They found the missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo. It was right between a filing cabinet and a dead zookeeper.

Now there’s a contest to name the cobra. They should have named it before, so that when it got lost, they could have just called it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president.

A 92-year-old woman in Hawaii became the oldest person in the world to finish a marathon. At least, that's what they told her.

Fox is adding several new Spanish-language shows to its programming schedule to appeal to the growing Latino population. My favorite one is about that doctor with a cane who plays by his own rules — you know, “Casa.”

Many gamers are asking for refunds on the new Nintendo 3DS because it causes headaches and dizziness. It was pretty scary — some gamers became so disoriented, they accidentally wandered outside.

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