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Monday Apr 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Southwest Airlines has a new slogan: “We love the sky — and it shows.”

Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect.

President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.

Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him.

Conan

President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, “I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.”

Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because “SpongeBob” was on.

Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it’s mostly on top of the water.

Rutgers University paid Snooki from “Jersey Shore” $32,000 to appear on campus. She was there to teach a class called “Cautionary Tale 101.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Apparently, Katie Couric will leave CBS. There’s no word on her replacement yet, though I think I’d fit nicely into her chair. I already fit nicely into her outfits.

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.

As far as I’m concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes.

I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s amazing what people will believe on April Fools’ Day. You know we’re not really bombing Libya, right?

Charlie Sheen’s live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout.

People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it.

It’s being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen is getting such bad reviews for his live show, that scalpers are offering to pay $40 to get rid of tickets.

Researchers in Canada have created an injection that works as a long-term solution for cat allergies. I think that’s known as “putting your cat to sleep.”

To avoid high electricity bills, Mayor Bloomberg wants New Yorkers to use their air conditioning less this summer. That’s not “cool.”

 
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