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Friday Apr 01 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, “April Fools’!”

If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.

According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job.

A man in Ohio received a cable bill for $16 million. When he called customer service, they told him that for another $8, he could get the NFL package.

Late Show with David Letterman

Allergies in New York are so bad right now, the crack dealers are selling Sudafed.

The most popular things to be allergic to are ragweed, dust, and cat dander. Do yourself a favor and avoid the chef salad at the Hello Deli.

My accountant only does taxes during April. The rest of the year, he’s a dunk-tank clown.

I’ve made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I’ll be making a lot more.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series

10
"From Sneer To Eternity"
9
"Dial M For Medic"
8
"The Fat, the Bald, and the Ugly"
7
"Clear!"
6
"Mr. Cheney Goes to Washington and Everything Goes to Hell"
5
"Do the Wrong Thing"
4
"Lord of the Onion Rings" (You know, because he's fat)
3
"How I Waterboarded Your Mother"
2
"Raging Bullcrap"
1
"Lawrence Of Arrhythmia"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I’ll be leaving the show at the end of the month. April Fools’!

After April Fools’ Day, there should be “May I Kick You in the Pants Day.”

Mel Gibson is one of Hollywood’s biggest pranksters. If anyone has heard his prank phone calls, they’re hilarious.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

TLC will start airing new episodes of “Kate Plus 8.” And they’re going to keep airing them until Gadhafi agrees to step down from power.

Olive Garden is remodeling its restaurants to make them look like a Tuscan farmhouse. While their food is remodeling your body to make you look like a Tuscan farmhouse.

A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, “Help! Stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years.”

A woman in the United Kingdom left her daughter out of her will because she didn’t like the name of one of her grandchildren. That means no inheritance for the woman, or for her baby, little “Grandma Sucks.”

 
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