Thursday Mar 31 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama didn’t throw any first pitches for opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya.

It’s now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We’re not sure how long they’ll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam.

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News.


Sarah Palin said we’re in a “squirmish” with Libya. After she was corrected, she said “I shouldn’t be expected to get everything Acura.”

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.

Al-Qaida has a magazine, and the spring issue features a profile of Moammar Gadhafi. It also features a women’s section called “Death to Cottage Cheese Thighs.”

Denny’s now has a menu where every item features bacon. Many hospitals are now featuring Denny’s customers.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York was on high alert after a deadly Egyptian cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo. Last night I heard hissing and I thought it was the cobra, but it was just the audience.

The good news is, they have captured the deadly cobra. Now, on to bin Laden.

The deadly Egyptian cobra is so full of venom that they offered him a job at Fox News.

It’s so cold in New York City, that the head of P.E.T.A. was wearing fur.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Rejected Major League Baseball Slogans

"The Fastest Four Hours In Sports"
"Our Umpires Have Never Been Fatter"
"Athletic Men In Tight Pants — Ooh-La-La!"
"Home Of The $9 Hot Dog"
"It Is High! It Is Far! It Is A Trickler Foul . . . "
"We Don't Have a Lock Out"
"An Excuse To Drink Beer All Afternoon"
"One Of America's Top Five Sports"
"Crushing the Dreams of Small Market Teams Since 1994"
"A Scratching, Spitting, Butt-Slapping Good Time"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Baseball is America’s favorite pastime, second only to “Angry Birds.”

Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening day. He was “Wookiee of the Year.”

People in San Francisco look down on Los Angeles — kind of like the rest of the country.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

They found the Egyptian cobra that went missing from the Bronx Zoo. It was in Lindsay Lohan’s purse.

While it’s hot in Los Angeles, it’s snowing on the east coast. Some states are too hot and some are too cold. I think we’re going through menopause as a nation.

President Obama was offered the first pitch for opening day, but he declined because he’s a Muslim that hates our national pastime. Either that or he’s busy with Libya.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Officials at the Bronx Zoo tried to lure the missing cobra out of hiding with live mice. That makes sense. Where else would that cobra find mice in New York City?

Larry King will throw the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. I’m calling it right now: Eighty miles per hour. That’s how fast the ambulance is going to drive from the baseball stadium to the emergency room.

A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then.

A Radio Shack in Montana is giving customers the choice between a free gun or a Pizza Hut gift card if they sign up for satellite TV. The way it works is, you can take the gift card, and get some free pizza; or take the gun — and also get some free pizza.

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