Tuesday Mar 29 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We’re down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven’t attacked.

President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He’s not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative.

Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK.

Whole Foods, the organic grocery chain, is putting bars in some stores that will serve beer and wine. Their goal is to get you so drunk that you don’t notice the prices.


Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as “blue” and his hair as “ridiculous.”

The man known as the “French Spider-Man” successfully climbed the world’s tallest building. When he was asked to consider performing in the Spider-Man musical, he said, “Too dangerous.”

A man in Florida donated over 100 gallons of blood over the last 50 years. He’s known as “Light-Headed Joe.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Regis Philbin and Snoop Dogg are on the show tonight. One is hip, and one has a new hip.

A 6-foot-long Egyptian cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo. New Yorkers shouldn’t go anywhere without a live mongoose.

Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name. Houdini also went by one name, and he also made things disappear.

Moammar Gadhafi has been described as a maniacal despot clinging to power. Wait a minute, that’s me.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Political Fundraising Dinner1

It's $10,000 a plate, but the food costs extra
Held at a Fuddruckers in Parsippany, New Jersey
All money raised supports "Gadhafi 2012"
President Obama doesn't attend — he's in the audience at Letterman
Dinner interrupted by screams of, "Anyone seen a cobra!?"
You spend the evening heimliching Mike Huckabee
By the end of the night, they've raised nine bucks and a Meineke coupon
It's just you and Henry Kissinger in a hot tub
Republicans demand proof the pineapple chicken is really from Hawaii
Master of ceremonies? Regis
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to Lady Gaga. Twenty-five years ago, a doctor handed Mrs. Gaga her little bundle of joy.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Prince William had a bachelor party at a hidden mansion. Things got pretty crazy. At one point, William drank a glass of sherry and didn’t put his pinky up.

It was apparently Prince Harry that set up the party. He’s supposed to be the crazy brother. If William was Dennis Quaid, Harry would be Randy Quaid.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Natalie Portman’s body double from “Black Swan” said the actress only appeared in 5 percent of the full-body dance scenes in the movie. How do we know it’s Natalie’s body that’s actually pregnant now?

Britney Spears is on the show. The whole city of West Hollywood has moved east to see her.

This is actually Britney’s second appearance at the show, after a long time. She hasn’t been here in about two kids.

Britney’s fans need a good nickname, just like Justin Bieber’s fans are called “beliebers.” I think they should be called “spear-leaders.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn’t interrupt “Dancing With the Stars.” That’s ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can’t believe it was almost interrupted by Obama’s speech.

The latest episode of “Dancing With the Stars” was preceded by Obama’s new show, “Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.”

Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot.

A man and a woman who met on a British dating site eventually figured out that they were brother and sister. And since they live close by, they can actually carpool to therapy.

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