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Monday Mar 28 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, “don't ask, don't tell.”

Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a "kinetic military action," which sounds better than "potentially endless quagmire."

In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.

The inventor of super glue has passed away at the age of 94. The service will be closed casket, unless they can somehow pry it open.

Conan

President Obama gave a nationally televised speech about Libya. The speech was titled, “No, I wasn’t born there.”

It’s been reported that a doctor removed fat from Moammar Gadhafi’s belly and injected it into his face. The doctor called it “Operation Not Helping.”

Donald Trump called George W. Bush “the worst president in the history of the United States.” Then he added, “Until, of course, I’m elected.”

A new study shows that women start to feel old at 29, but men don’t feel old until they’re 58. This explains at least two of Larry King’s marriages.

Late Show with David Letterman

About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say.

The fighting in Libya has already cost the U.S. a billion dollars. That’s Mrs. Tiger Woods money.

Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That’s like the eight years of the Bush administration.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Bronx Zoo Excuses

10
Cobra said he was just going out for a smoke
9
Guy in charge of making sure snakes don't escape called in sick
8
Relax — this happens all the time
7
It was al-Qaida
6
We can't be expected to keep track of every single animal in the zoo
5
All part of our new interactive venomous snake experience
4
Cobra met a copperhead on Reptilematch.com
3
Who doesn't enjoy a good snake bite?
2
We sent the snake to take out Gadhafi. You'll thank us later!
1
Honestly, what could go wrong?
Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.

Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don’t care.

I love “Dancing With the Stars.” It combines my love of ballroom dancing with my love for Ralph Macchio like no other show can.

Happy birthday to Lady Gaga. Twenty-five years ago, baby Gaga came out of an egg wearing nothing but a onesie made of chicken cutlets.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.

Apparently, companies have been accepting job applications on Twitter. If you can fit your resume into 140 characters, you didn’t get the job.

The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous snake went missing. Apparently, the snake had been digging a tunnel for years and hiding it behind a poster of a sexy eel.

A reporter in Florida said he was forced into a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fundraiser. He said it wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.

 
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